Today is a special day Carol..today is my birthday.. almost one full year has passed since our final meeting.. i spent my birthday with you last year.. i remember waking up while you slept and writing Time Travel... it was as much a gift for myself as it was to you and the readers...after the miles began to separate us... we began quickly to separate from each other....we never speak anymore...the only way we greet each other is with the occasional ... :) ....or sometimes a <3...truthfully they never make me smile ....and i find no heart in these symbols either.......i’m sure we have both grown much since leaving London.. .. I feel a little new growth inside myself everyday.....i came back to the United States while you returned home to Portugal....since leaving i’ve written many words regarding my thoughts and feelings about you and life.. what couldn’t be written i pushed into the walls with all the force i could muster with every can that touches my fingertips.... i wield brushes and words like knives throwing them at targets... just the same as these spray cans...... a magician and his deck of cards... or Michael Jordan at the 3 point line...the clock counts down....5,....4,....time slows.......3..release.....2,....1.... swish.... confidence... control.. even in the eye of the storm..... some days for a second or 2 i feel depleted and spent... but most of the time i burn with a wild fury inside my stomach that makes me walk paces in the ground as i work from day to day........ i didn’t know what to expect upon my return back to the states... what would or wouldn’t happen?... i was such a fool to think i could return to Europe again so soon..the Amazing Race flew us to Los Angeles but didn't come through and we never had a chance to compete for the prize money.... since returning Jeremiah and i have had million dollar meetings at long tables with men in dark suits... they always promise us the world.. they hold us close at first whispering sweet nothings in our ears... i swear sometimes it makes my toes curl....and then they always hold us further away at arms length held in place by a thin string...wait,..... wait, .....wait for it....then they cut the string...after the final release we never hear from them again...this looks like a pattern...its heartbreaking... everyday I wake up and paint the best i can paint.. i draw the best i could draw, i write the best i can write.. sometimes switching to Lefty to proof read my work... when that doesn’t work i switch hands and try harder with my left... everyday over and over...paint, paint, paint, write, write, write, draw, draw, draw,.... you can’t imagine my focus... in a brain with so much smog... intensity even at 1 am in the morning..with the clock ticking in my ear like it’s the last seconds of the game.....click..click ..click.....ready? wait for it.....i’ve jumped further into my mind in order to further define this definition... in which case i believe that i may have gotten lost inside these various descriptions ...... and classifications...... 2square is separated by feet in the small space that we live in at most times...but our minds are usually a million miles apart... most of the time i can guess what he’s thinking... but then again who really knows?... we both have our own devil’s to fight and paint.... when i sleep i dream of distant lands.....deserts, mountains, long stretching city’s, bright tiled buildings, stone roads that climb straight up into the sky, hot trains packed with people like rats filled with of hot stale air, canals cramed with long boats tightly packed together, 3 story parking garages filled with piles of bicycles, tall dark buildings vacant with broken windows standing tall like defeated warriors.... every city is the same..very city is different. filled with people and wild cats prowling about in search of their own delight....during these dreams I visit old friends.. we laugh and play catch up as you can only in dreams...when i wake i wonder if it was a dream or a distant memory?.. reality world and dream world begin to weave between each other like a thick blanket....it becomes harder to decipher with each day...i press on and push these thoughts aside and once again paint.....hopes, fears, fantasy life..... imagination.. reality.. they are all now one in the same.... i wonder how real you are to me now? were you ever real? really here? was i ever really there? you are beginning to become fictional like the characters i paint on the walls and in my sketchpads..the details are become blurry.. the outline is starting to take on new forms...i no longer need pictures of you to paint you.. you exist in my mind....i paint them from here... a princess, a zombie bride, a new love, a old flame, a heartbeat, a beam from the sun....they are all here and more.. waiting in dark corners to be pulled out to the world of reality....if i pulled you out and we spoke i wonder would you sound the same as i remember? would you move the same? every 2 steps i take closer to these dreams i step away by 2....distancing myself from the reality of the norm...excepting nothing.. accepting everything....what is the exception? in chase of becoming exceptional?... i strike this wall everyday in hopes that it may collapse... but what will i paint if it ever truly breaks and nothing is left?....what waits for us on the otherside?
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